DETACHMENT
Whether you’re a parent of a neurodivergent child or a parent at all, detaching from the outcome is an incredibly useful ability, and helps us feel more comfortable, even when we don’t get ‘our way’.
I speak to a lot of parents who struggle at times to fully embrace their child’s love of Lego, Pokemón, Minecraft, Frozen, Peppa Pig, Thomas the Tank Engine, Argos catalogues, bush-craft or whatever they’re really into right now. They tell themselves they ‘should’ play more, follow their child’s motivations, but they feel resistant to the kid’s current passion. They might feel annoyed at themselves for allowing the toy/ book/ merchandise into their house in the first place.
I have two vivid memories on this topic. They both show how much our children can teach us if we’re open to it, about being present, loving and detached from the outcome.
One was about the 800 page book in the photo. My younger son bought this in a charity shop for Christmas for his autistic big brother, knowing how much he loved books and world war two planes. Colm used to ask us each to do different things, apparently according to what he perceived as our strengths (or resistences!)…: acting, playing, crafts, reading, story-telling, music, rough-housing, etc. He mainly used to ask Ross, my husband to read him long sections of the Chronicle of Aviation. Tiny print, endless, for up to 2 hours!
Ross found this a real stretch initially, and Colm kept regularly asking until Ross was fully on board with the project and read without any reluctance or wishing he could be doing something ‘more interesting’. A very subjective concept, I’m sure you’re aware! One person’s meat is another’s poison, as the saying goes…
My work was get over what I perceived as tedious: reading fishing magazines and catalogues. Colm made sure I kept on at that til I could do it with enthusiasm! We both learned (he taught us), to detach from our own desired outcome of reading within our narrow conclusions about what was fun to read.
The second memory I have is of Jack Mason Goodall, a wonderful child facilitator who visited each year to support our play therapy programme, show us what Colm was capable of, and help us navigate any mindset stumbling blocks in our way. See his work and autism support here.
Jack had lovingly drawn an A3 map of England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales.
It was part of a game he’d created based on Colm’s motivations at the time of fishing, farming and survival and his experiences in these places where he has family.
That particular day, Colm was not in the mood and grabbed the map, started scrunching it up and was throwing it across the room. Jack was so far detached to the outcome of playing the game he’d created, he suggested they rip up the map instead! The game changed to being ‘Let’s rip this map into a thousand tiny pieces’. See the confetti on the floor in the photo below.
This was such a lesson for us, Colm’s parents, I share the story regularly with parents I now support. Their jaws generally drop, as ours did at the time.
What’s more important: our own attachments to doing things or playing a certain way OR connection with our beloved child? Showing them the ‘right’ way, OR modelling flexibility (a major skill we want them to learn).
If this feels a massive stretch right now, please be gentle with yourself. We mostly weren’t raised this way (let me know if you were! I’d love to hear more). It requires unlearning, self-acceptance, self-love and the ability to stay present. These are counter cultural qualities! They take practice to embed.
None of us get it spot on all the time.
So let’s be kind to ourselves, as we would to our own best friend.
I remind parents to befriend themselves, I gently hold their hand, and celebrate them all the way, just as they’re learning to celebrate their child. If they’ve no energy to express their love for their child in celebrations, we focus on building up their energy first. We work out what they can do less of in order to create some space, to fill up their tank rather than running on empty. Attempting to push through rarely works long term, we don’t want to burn out (further). As my yoga teacher says: we’re looking for a break through, not a break down.
She’s Jotipal Kaur find more about her here ,I highly recommend her. She’s helped me develop the grit to go the distance through hard and easier times.
I’ve benefitted from and continue to use the gifts of others to support me on my journey. I share them in case they resonate, so you can check them out yourself.
Drop me a line if you’d like my hand holding along your journey.